If you’re planning on driving through Utah, primarily Utah Valley, be warned that those things you see driving cars are not human, they are some species of sheep, ovus utardus to be exact.  This guide will take you through the basic techniques of making it out of Utah alive.

1. Watch out for high-speed grazing. These sheep are ravenous eaters, and they are often grazing on fast food while operating deadly vehicles.  Don’t be fooled by the skinny ones either, as these sheep have no qualms against plastic surgery, bulimia, or other highly unhealthy forms of keeping outward appearances up.

2. Yellow Blinking Light Challenged. It is a mystery to scientists, but the prominent theory is that, after over a hundred years of rapid, high-volume breeding in a tiny gene pool, ovus utardus has lost the ability to see yellow blinking lights.  Therefore, a good test for spotting ovus utardus is by using a turn signal to indicate a lane change.  If a car that is in the new lane speeds up so that they are in your blind spot in a failed attempt to pass you right before you make the lane change, it is probable you have found a good specimen.

3. Roundabouts. Further testing has revealed that, although ovus utardus is really good at learning basic repetitive tasks that require very little activity in the region of the brain responsible for creative or independent thinking, they quickly forget all that is learned when the context changes slightly.  A good example is yield signs.  Many of the utardus species (about half) can pick a yield sign out of a line-up of as many as two street signs, but when faced with one at a roundabout, all that was taught to them about yield signs suddenly appears irrelevant.  This can be true for utards already in the roundabout who yield to those waiting to enter, and vice versa.

4. Stop sign intersections are too complex. Much is still unknown about ovus utardus, but one of the most baffling traits is their inability to ever learn how to work a stop sign.  They might stop, but they see the oncoming perpendicular traffic as irrelevant.  My only advice is that if you are driving on a 35 mph road and you see a car up ahead stopped and ready to merge into your lane, keep your foot hovering over the break.  3 out of every 10 utards will cut in front of you.

5. Difficulty with telling distances. To get right to the point, ovus utardus enjoys riding your ass.  They are always in a rush to wait at the next stop light or to ride the ass of the utard in front of you if they manage to pass you in some insanely unsafe way in heavy traffic.  Scientists attribute this with their inability to perceive depth.  This would also explain why they often buy houses that are too big for them to afford with a credit line some other utard was not supposed to give them (discussion of ovus utardus shady business ethics in a later post).

Another possibility that experts use to understand utard-brand impatience is a shitty home life.  Most utards were forced by their parents to marry too early (to avoid premarital sexual encounters) without really getting to know their future spouse.   Once married, they feel trapped and confused and become very similar to any wild animal that has been cornered, including driving 85mph on average on a 65mph highway.

I would like to invite all other humans living amongst the ovus utardus philistines in Utah to slow down every time a utard tails you too closely.  These simple minded animals just need a little negative conditioning, just like Pavlov’s dogs.  Also, don’t rely on legal recourses if a utard rear ends you; they are likely to just drive away.  Many use weekly church attendance and other outward signs of piety as a way of quieting their consciences.

6. The sheep dogs are even worse. The sheep dogs are easy to spot, they drive cars that look like police cars, have giant crime-friendly asses, and have no ambition to do anything else in life but to make both humans and utards alike feel bullied.  This comes from many years of being made fun of as the fat kid at school.